I've had this post rolling around in my head for a week or so, but haven't quite been sure about what I've been wanting to say, exactly, or how to say it...So bear with me. I'll try and make it coherent. Honest.
Often I'm quite leery of the more 'mystical' sides to spirituality. It's difficult to get a firm hold of. It's not something that has checks and balances, a firm reference that says "this is where I got it from." My logical brain doesn't like this so much. From past experiences I know there's a lot of bullshit that gets passed off as 'mysticism', straight from the gods' mouth sort of stuff, and really it's not god-talking but ego-talking; personal issues being passed off as spiritual pointers for all and sundry to listen to and follow. So, as I said, I'm leery.
That said, my logical brain has a fuzzy sort of logic to it anyway, so it's not always the same sort of logic that everyone else comes up with at times...So my illogical brain tends to happily co-exist with my logical brain for the most part, and all is well. The experiences I have in my spiritual practices are real to me, and personal, but I'm becoming increasingly aware that there's a small part of me that's being too logical and getting in the way of actually experiencing my religion properly (for wont of a better word). I've been concentrating on doing so much, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm neglecting the actual living...I need to stop analysing so much.
This has all been brought home to me in the past few weeks or so. With my illogical brain, I believe in the idea that at times certain signs are communicated to us, for one reason or another. Usually these are natural signs, whether it's to do with how the moon looks on a particular night, the way the wind is blowing on a particular day, or which birds happen to be in my garden or outside as I go for a walk...Birds in particular, for me, give me pause for thought on this front, but my logical brain balks at the idea because it seems so cliched in some respects. My logical brain says, "Do you really think you're that speshul....And the crow thing...I mean really, couldn't you be a little bit original?"
My illogical brain, however, takes note of the fact that in the run up to Bealltainn, it seemed significant that I saw not just a fox for the first time since we moved, thin and scraggly, but a deer and a falcon...Then there's the crow that I mentioned at Bealltuinn, followed by the magpie that followed me about at the graveyard with seeming purpose, more crows and magpies abounding and then I heard an owl hooting during the day (always a bad sign, according to my incredibly superstitious nan). It all seems to be adding up to something being afoot, but I don't know what...something that's perhaps both good and bad, depending on your perspective. It seems easy for me to see the signs, but not necessarily read them (hindsight is a wonderful thing, though). I'm pissing in the wind, in effect, and I know this is where I need to go, but I'm not quite sure how to get there.
For once this seems to be a learning process that doesn't require books, and I'm actually kind of glad.